Monday, April 27, 2009

We miss Dick Cheney


Nobody knows what Dick Cheney did all day — but whatever it was, it was certainly important. Whenever the government said the Vice President was in a secure, undisclosed location, we pictured Cheney racing through the tunnels under the Greenbrier resort, through the supposedly decommissioned fallout shelter and secret command center entombed beneathe that isolated swath of West Virginia, plotting and scheming and keeping terrorists awake at night, wondering when Darth Cheney would strike and how many of them would live to tell their tales the next day.

Dick Cheney, as Vice President, was the twisted, relentless, ruthless love child Batman and the Penguin biologically could never have. He may even be a robot sent from the future to keep us all from harm. He was, without question, the exact Vice President needed at just the right moment in history. Who knows what he was up to, but we’re certain, 100%, that it helped keep this nation safe for the last eight years.

It’s probably what he’s still working on now, from somewhere secure and undisclosed as you read this.


So, Mr. Cheney, in whatever undisclosed location you are in right now, just know that a bunch of Hillary Democrats here in Boystown who hated your guts for years now realize what remarkable service you gave this country when we needed your gruff Burgess Meredith meets Michael Keaton self. You were just the quiet badass genius strategist we needed, and we’re sure you pulled no punches and coddled no evil-doer on your watch. You also, we must remind the liberals of the LGBTQ community, were FAR MORE SUPPORTIVE of LGBTQ rights than any Vice President before you, Republican OR Democrat, and you have personally shown more willingness to advance our causes than your successor ever has — and you did this without a single word of thanks from ANYONE, including us. You are a decent man who won’t eat everyone else’s ice cream, because you’ve got more than enough of your own tucked away in whatever secret room you spent almost eight years keeping us all alive with whatever it was you were entrusted with.

Some day, we hope to have the honor of shaking your hand and thanking you in person, Mr. Cheney. Because you deserve not just our thanks, as people who FINALLY appreciate your efforts, but the thanks of the whole nation.